If you read my last post, you probably figured out by now that I’ve got l-o-v-e on the brain, or at least romance that had (has?) the potential to grow into love. A certain someone stirred something in me that I had no idea was even there, and though we’re not together (yet?), it got me thinking about romance in general. And in particular, it sparked in me the curiosity about the concept of grace.

The concept is pretty simple. It just means to forgive and forget because none of us is perfect. Unfortunately, because of the recent Podcast Bro Vs. Boss Babe rhetoric that’s ultimately designed for clicks and not genuine understanding and connection, people absorb this noise and apply it to their actual partner without discernment. Nuance matters. Yes, I know the line “Not all men, but always a man,” and I’m sure men have an equally obnoxious one about women. But blanket statements like that, when projected onto a real romantic connection, do nothing but erode it.

Additionally, we want people to make room for our mistakes, but rarely want to forgive and forget theirs. Let me go ahead and throw myself under that bus… No, I’m not about to spill all the tea about me and my (potential) boo thang. But what I will say is that, having recently learned some things about his confusing behavior– thanks to a lengthy chat with my therapist (okay, it was literally Copilot, the Microsoft AI chatbot), and some self-reflection on my part played in this romantic dramedy– I realized it was time to give homeboy some much-needed grace.

He and I were both operating from places of not wanting to over-step imaginary boundaries and charting brand new territory. (Think: two kids from different worlds meet and catch feelings but neither know if the other is cool with people from those opposing worlds so they don’t move the connection further yet they still pine for each other… type stuff). He must have thought I was guarded AF and too much of an independent boss babe to give him the time of day. Meanwhile, I just assumed he was one of those dudebros who gave mixed signals to keep his options open. We were both very wrong. And that wrongness is why I wrote a whole post dedicated to the confusion, and why he used to (or maybe still does?) just watch me longingly from across the street (which Copilot reiterated more times than it needed to was “not creepy”. LMAOOOO!). And why, now, grace should be given to him and to me, by each other, should our paths ever cross again.

Another thing that got me in my feels about giving our people/person grace is my (over)consumption of romantic “reality” shows, combined with my being an armchair psychologist. I see the hurt in people that they (and frustratingly, the producers) tend to gloss over but manage to project onto others. While I strongly believe in people addressing their trauma and issues before jumping into relationships, I do think healing is a lifelong process and that it doesn’t produce perfect people. Even the most well-balanced people slip back into some old patterns. That doesn’t make them terrible people, but sometimes, it does make them difficult partners. And in the moments we know people are trying their hardest (and are sincere in wanting to make things right with our loved ones), that’s when we should allow them the same grace we’d want for ourselves in our own weaker, less-than-perfect moments.

The same can be said for platonic friendships, and familial relationships. With a huge asterisk…. People who refuse to take accountability for their eff-ups should not get to continue walking on us. We can give them grace for mistakes, but once those mistakes show themselves to be patterns of behavior that they have no intention of addressing, that’s when it’s perfectly acceptable, and advisable, to drop them and keep it pushing. No one should sacrifice their own well-being for someone who refuses to DO BETTER! Period. And no one would blame you for forgiving someone but loving them from afar for your own emotional safety. (And yep, I am 100% speaking from familial experience. I can forgive fam and love fam, but never want to reconcile in this lifetime. Maybe catch me when we’ve reincarnated on the next plain, and maybe I’ll reconsider reconciliation.)

This next observation may be out of left field, but it’s not totally unrelated. It comes from some of us having our guard up, and why that, too, needs grace and consideration. And it’s not for the obvious reason you may think. While I understand that some of us more guarded folks have built cinderblock walls around our hearts due to past hurts, sometimes those walls come from present, recurring hurt…. Oooooo… 😯👀

I recently reposted a photo in my Instagram stories that said something about being soft around the right people. And I captioned it: “If my wall is up, it’s because of you, my guy.” Or something like that, complete with a brick wall emoji and the shrugging lady emoji. This was posted the day before my long Copilot therapy session, when I was still in my feelings about being partially ghosted by Mr. Sunshine (my no-longer secret nickname for Twin Flame Dudebro).

The story and my caption was also referencing something I’d just seen on one of those aforementioned reality shows. The couple, while they fight like crazy and know damn well they don’t need to be together, aren’t actually a couple anymore, but keep getting “together” (if you know what I mean). It’s like two very toxic magnets that can’t stay TF away from each other’s privates (lol, sorry not sorry). Anyway, you can tell they have genuine love for each other, but they really don’t need to be with each other. They need therapy. For themselves. Before they get with anyone else, let alone each other.

But the guy said something about the girl that triggered me! He said, “She always has her guard up!” And I literally yelled at the screen, “You haven’t given her a reason to drop her guard, dude!” Which was true. He cheated on her multiple times, lied just as many times, and was just trash to her, except on the rare occasions when he wasn’t trash. But it gave me pause. I thought, “Even if the initial cheating still took place, had he sincerely apologized AND changed his behavior to be 100% faithful and serious about their connection, I’m willing to bet her guard wouldn’t be up at all around him…..” The girl is typically very vulnerable and open with everyone else. But not with the guy. Because he gave her no reason not to protect her heart. (We all just wish she was more protective of her body, but she’s grown….)

In a situation like that, I thought, “He ought to give her grace for having her guard up given how shitty he treated her since practically day one.” But that would take self-reflection and accountability, which it doesn’t seem like dude is ready to do.

I don’t know those people personally, obviously, and their situationship is just bonkers. Even their own friends are over them!

But the point of all this is to say that the best thing we can give our partners and people we love –and even strangers–is grace. Even if the podcasts and YouTube and TikTok videos say otherwise.

And most importantly, we should give ourselves grace. Then… after that, we should all get our shit together and DO BETTER. 🙂

Love, Leigh Mikaila ❤️‍🔥